i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
