Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
