thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
