Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize