Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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