I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
