Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
