wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
