i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize