The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
