My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
