i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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