I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
