Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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