Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
