perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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