Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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