your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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