my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
