i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
