I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
