Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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