I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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