We're facebook friends in real life
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
