just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
