Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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