i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
