I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
