So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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