Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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