Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
