There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
