I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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