why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
