Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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