Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
