you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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