I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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