3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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