70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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