You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
