I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
