So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
