i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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