Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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