I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
