My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
