that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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