we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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