you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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