no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
