Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
