Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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