then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
