My nipple is on Facebook.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
