have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
