he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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