I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sobbing to NWA
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
