I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
