i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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