She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
