She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
