Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need moral support for this bender
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
