He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
