i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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