he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
