Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
