Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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