there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
