I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
