It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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