I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
