I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize