I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
