My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
