I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
