my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
