maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In other news, I just burned my penis
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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