If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
